The Story of My Life: You Are Not My Momma

I had found my birth siblings on Wednesday, July 23, 2014 and began communicating with my birth mother that same night. The conversation with her started off well with us exchanging information about ourselves and comparing the things that we had in common. Within a day or so, she started using terms of endearment with me which caught me off guard and left a funny feeling in my stomach.  I didn't really like her calling me her "sweet daughter" and her saying "luv you" to me.  By Saturday, July 26th, she had begun venting to me about the questions my half-sister, Jessie, had about what happened to me and then told me that we should just keep the questions between us. You can check out that post here.

When Sunday rolled around, I decided that I should try to address with Carol how she was feeling about the fact that I had been found when she wasn't really looking for me.  Since we were planning to go to Florida in a few weeks for a visit  with my half siblings and I was sure there would be lots of pictures posted on Facebook, I decided asking what she thought in regards to that would be a good starting point. 

Carol responded, "If you don't want to do it, then don't. That is your choice and no one can make you do it." Then she started going off on Jessie again saying that what had happened to her was "her business" and didn't need to be brought out in the open.  She ended with, "Don't tell them anything you don't want to tell. It is your life not theirs."

I assured her that I wanted to do this, that I wanted to meet my siblings and I wanted to tell people. That even though the siblings and I were super excited about it, that I could understand how this situation could cause her some anxiety. I had been her secret and it seemed that the circumstances around my existence weren't the best. Everything I had read said, in many cases when an adopted child was found that wasn't being looked for by the birth mother,  it brings up all the hurt, shame, guilt and other emotions from the birth experience. I imagined this to be the case with her which is why I told her that I wanted to know how she was doing and that she didn't need to worry about me. 

Her answer: "I have no problem with that....I will deal with it when it happens.  It is Jessie I worry about......"  

*sigh*  I was getting pretty tired of this. Why did she keep venting to me? I was not the one that she should be talking to about that.  So I decided not to answer her for the rest of the afternoon. 

Fortunately VBS was starting at church that evening and I was helping with the teaching part of it. I had something else to capture my attention for a while and it was desperately needed. But the distraction didn't last too long. 

When I got home from church, Carol had texted me again.  This time she was asking about how church had been and told me that she knew there was a storm coming our way.  

We actually had a pretty good talk this time. We talked about how things were for each of us as we were growing up. We talked about how I met Steve and how she had met her husband, Ron. We talked about our parents and their professions. We talked about church. She told me she had been saved during Bible school many years ago.

I couldn't believe that we were actually back to having a fairly normal conversation.  But then it happened.....

She texted me a picture of herself.  

The caption -  "Me.....your momma."

Now I am not a person who usually cusses. I wasn't raised that way and if I said any word that even resembled a cuss word when I was a kid, my mouth was sure to be washed out with soap.

But at that moment, a fit of rage welled up inside of me.  I threw my phone on the bed and said, "Who the hell does she think she is saying that to me??"  (Sorry, mom and dad.)

The only way that I can describe how that phrase she said made me feel is violated.  Yep. Violated.  It was one thing for her to call me her "sweet daughter."  It is possible that she viewed me that way and I could understand that. After all, she did carry me in her belly for nine months and then give birth to me.  But for her to put on herself the title of "my momma" felt like she had forced upon me the position that she wanted to take in my life.   That position was already filled.  It was taken by a woman who cared for me as a wee infant, who jump roped with me in the living room of our trailer in Wisconsin, who was at my high school and college graduations and who was there when I walked down the aisle to marry the man of my dreams.  And I had no plans to replace her.

So again, I did not respond....

A few minutes later Carol texted and said she was headed to bed. That she loved me and would talk to me later.

All I said was "goodnight." And I wondered what in the world I had gotten myself into.

The Story of My Life: Secrets

After the initial conversation with my birth mom on July 23rd, she started including things such as "my sweet daughter" and "luv you" in her texts to me. I was totally caught off guard by the emotional response inside of me to those statements.  I was trying to figure out how I should handle it. You can read a little bit more about that here.

Saturday, July 26th, rolled around.  My first counseling appointment was still two and a half weeks away. Realizing that I needed some advice and better understanding regarding what was going on with Carol and these words of endearment that I was so frustrated by, I turned to a trusty friend for help - Google.  I read article after article on adoption reunions hoping to find something to help me figure out what was happening.

I began to understand that as the adoptee, while I was excited and looking for answers about myself, it was common in this type of situation for the birth mother to be taken back to the place where the child was given up and to feel the emotions of that time. I also read that it was recommended that the person who was doing the searching be the one to help talk through and set up the expectations of the relationship.  Since Carol was not the one that had been looking, she was caught off guard by my return and not really ready to handle thinking through those decisions. Since I had been looking for a while, I had already had a little bit of time to process what was happening.  I began reading about ways to do approach the topic of our relationship.  Be patient. Don't ask too many hard questions right off the bat and take things slow. Be willing to be flexible. Talk about what your expectations are. 

I began to think about what I truly was wanting from this reunion. What expectations did I have?  I really hoped to be able to have a friendship with Carol. I hoped that we would be able to be involved in each others lives. I hoped to be able to learn about where I came from and maybe even who my birth father was. I also began to think through what I didn't want. I didn't want to be "needed" by someone, to have to fill any void in their life, just as I didn't want to "need" anyone in return.  And I knew that I didn't want another mother. I already had one, and no one else could take her place in my life.

I knew I would need to be patient and wait for a good time to be able to address these things with Carol. I had to be careful about how I worded it. I didn't want her to somehow feel rejected by me when I shared what my feelings were about the situation.  I also hoped that she would be able to express to me what she was hoping for through this reunion and that somehow we would be able to come to an understanding.

Saturday was quiet on the texting front with her. I had decided that I needed to slow things down a little bit and not be in such a hurry to respond when she texted.  Carol texted me first that day, around 6 pm. 

Here is what she said:

"Hello. I want you to know that if you ever have any questions about me and about you, please know that you can ask me anytime and I will tell you. I have waited for this time to come to find you and meet you and I am not going to let anyone mess it up.  Hope you had a good day. We planted flowers and rose bushes and put down mulch....yes I am sore.....again I will answer questions if you have any....later."

I felt like I had been handed an opportunity to start explaining what I was hoping for out of the relationship. So I responded and said: 

"Obviously I do have lots of questions. I want to know about you, about your family, about my dad and what happened with that whole situation. I understand why you had to give me up and I have no problems with that. I feel like that was the best thing you ever could have done for me. I am so thankful and grateful. As for the other part, I want to be sensitive to you and your feelings. I want you to be able to share when you are ready. I am sure that was probably a very difficult time for you and I don't want to force you to drudge up the hurt in your past."

Her response to me caught me a bit off guard. Besides the fact that she began with "I love you," she went on venting to me about Jessie asking her questions about what had happened with me.  She ended with, "I am so embarrassed by the way she is acting towards me and you. I will talk with you later."

I couldn't understand why this woman that I hardly knew was venting to me, someone she hardly knew, about her child. It didn't seem right to me. And I don't know if you caught this or not, but I did and my antenna went up.  "....the way she is acting towards me and you...."  

Granted, I don't know what was going on behind the scenes with her and Jessie and I didn't need to know.  I could totally understand why Jessie would be asking questions of her and it didn't surprise me that she would be. I could totally understand why Carol would be upset by the questioning.  The decision to give me up for adoption was one that affected not just Carol and me, but all of the other siblings as well, especially once she had told them about me about 16 years previous to this time. I felt like everyone was deserving of answers.  What I didn't understand was why she was suggesting that Jessie was somehow acting in an embarrassing way towards me.  My interaction with Jessie and the other siblings up until this time had been nothing but excitement and fun. We made lots of silly jokes that would have all of us laughing so hard. We talked excitedly of the reunion we were going to have in about three weeks, as Steve and I talked about it and decided to drive to Florida where all of the siblings live so I could meet them and their families.  Outside of Brad jokingly suggesting that there was a possibility that he had a birth father different than who she said because of the fact that he is so much taller than all of us and he is the only one of us with green eyes, no one had said anything negative to me about Carol at all. In fact, I was truly enjoying all of my interactions with my half siblings.

I wrote her back and told her that because of my reading on adoption reunions, I knew that it was not uncommon for everyone involved to experience a huge variety of emotions. I told her that I did not think anyone was wrong for asking questions just like I did not think she was wrong for not wanting to answer them.  It was only normal since I had been on the minds of the other members of the family for years and they themselves wondered what had happened.

She responded and told me not to worry about it. That there were many questions that we all had and everyone was excited and wanted to meet me.  But then she said....."let's just keep the questions between you and me."

Secrets. I despise them.  Now I am not saying that there can't be things about you that you keep to yourself and don't tell a lot of people.  I can respect everyone's privacy. The kind of secrets I am talking about are the ones where a situation affects a multitude of people, yet steps are taken to keep the truth hidden except from a few. My past was full of hurt because of secrets and I had just come out of the hurtful church situation which was full of hidden truth. I didn't want to be responsible for hiding truth from others. And even though I knew that it meant that I may not find things out as quickly as I hoped or even at all,  my response to her was....

"I am not in the least bit worried. I have enjoyed chatting with you and all the siblings. Part of this whole process is going to be lots of questioning and discovery about who I am and for me it will be about learning who all of you are. I am not one to hold back and when people ask me questions, I tend to answer them directly. If there are things you prefer they not know, it might be best not to tell me."

The Story of My Life: Emotional Entanglements

I love knowledge. I love the joy you feel when you finally figure something out and the light goes on inside of your head. I guess that is why I became a teacher. I wanted to be able to pass that joyous experience on to my students (although many of them really did not feel the same way I did about learning).  

To have figured out who my birthmother was, was one of those joyous experiences. I was so eager to learn more about her as it only meant I was learning more about me.

Let's travel back to that time in 2014. On Wednesday, July 23rd,  I had found my birth siblings and had my first contact with my biological mom, Carol.  If you have not read that part of the story, you can find it here.  It is now the following day. Thursday, July 24.  So many questions were being asked that day and I found some of the answers to be very interesting and some to be an eery coincidence.

Carol grew up in Findlay, Ohio.  (I found this pretty ironic since my maiden name was Finley.)  Her dad was a farmer and had a meat processing business.  Her mom was a bookkeeper at the Kirk Milling Company. The man she worked for was one of the richest men in town.  Carol's parents adopted her when she was a couple of months old.  Like me, she grew up in a conservative home and attended a Baptist church.  She was involved at church playing the piano and organ. While I never played the organ, I had played the piano since I was a little girl. She also played the flute, which I had played for a couple of years during high school and college. 

The paper I had from the adoption agency said she had attended a Christian college for one quarter. When I asked her what college it was, she replied Cedarville.  I could not believe it. That is the same college that I graduated from. And not only that, it is the same college that both of my parents have degrees from as well.  It isn't like Cedarville is a huge university like UNC or Ohio State. It is a small, Christian College in the middle of a cornfield in Ohio. 

Carol had grown up in Ohio and lived there for a while after she married. Then she lived in Florida for a while and for a bit in North Carolina. Currently she was living in Tennessee. Her husband, Ron, was a truck driver. They had a chihuahua named Bentley that she said she spoiled all the time. Multiple times she said she hoped that they would be able to come for a visit soon.

It seemed as things were going really well, but then something happened that confused me terribly. I wasn't really sure how to handle it. I am not blaming her for what happened. I am sure it is a fairly common response in this situation.  I just didn't know what to do with it. 

We had been texting all day and Carol said she was going to hit the bed and talk to me tomorrow.  

Then she said it...."sweet dreams, my daughter."

I understood that this was an emotional time in both of our lives. I did not feel any type of mother-daughter connection with Carol. While I was excited that I had found her and now knew where I had come from, that was as far as our relationship went. I did not feel anything deeper so I decided to just ignore that comment.

The next day, Friday the 25th,  began with a quick text from Carol telling me that she had gone to McDonalds for breakfast and was planning to pull weeds and put down mulch that day. She ended it with "luv u." 

I did not respond. I knew that she may love me because she had carried me for those 9 months and had chosen to give me life. But this is someone that I had just met through text and for me, those kind of feelings had not yet developed. I wasn't about to say something that wasn't true.

We texted a few times during the day, but nothing too deep. I decided I probably needed to take things a bit slower. 

The day ended with her sending me an 'xoxoxoxoxo' text. 

I definitely had some thinking to do about how to handle this.

The Story of My Life: Perfect Timing

As this new chapter of my life was open before me, one where I could talk with the person who gave birth to me,  where I could laugh and joke with those who shared my DNA,  and where I finally had the possibility of knowing where I had come from, I don't believe I was ready for the onslaught of emotions that were about to hit me. Actually, I know I wasn't.

I continued to share with my parents everything that had happened.  When I told them that I had finally been in contact with Carol, I remember my dad tearing up and asking me to please thank her for her gift of me to them. He talked about her sacrifice and was very emotional as he did so. At some point along the way, Steve asked my mom how she was feeling about it all and whether or not she was feeling threatened by any of this.  I will never forget her response. She said, "If Lorena and I are not attached after 40 years, we never will be." That answer comforted me. She knew we were attached and there was no threat. They were my parents and always would be. I was not looking to replace them and they knew it.  Their overwhelming support for me during this process is something I will always be grateful for. There were already so many emotions involved and if I had to tiptoe around them as this was all happening to make sure I didn't upset them, it would have made my life even more complicated than it was already going to be.

And I just have to say again how perfect God's timing is.  He is always there and He always knows exactly what we need and when we need it. Many times I get so busy that I forget to take the time to see what He has done and to thank him for it. But then He throws something out there that is undeniably Him, and it gives me no option to do anything but stop and say thanks.

On July 24th, the day after I found my family and had been talking with them for the very first time, I got a phone call.  The phone call was from Jane. She was calling to see when I wanted to set up my first counseling appointment.

It was the timing of it all that just makes me sit back in amazement.  You see, if you read anything at all on the best way to handle adoption reunions, the one thing that is almost always listed is to get a counselor to walk through the process with you. I hadn't known until the day before that I was going to find my family and that I was going to need someone to help me navigate through the emotions of it all, but God did. And he had set in place some events in my life to get me to the point where Jane would come into my life at exactly the right time.

About a year and a half before all of this, we had gone through a very difficult experience with the pastor of our old church. He was at best a manipulator and what we went through left many people damaged and hurt, including me.  My heart was crushed, my faith was at an all time low and I was left wondering where God was in all of this. I felt misunderstood, lied about, and most of all rejected. I was caught in a downward spiral that left me feeling depressed and angry much of the time.  It affected my relationships with my friends, my children, and most of all my husband.  Steve and I hardly ever fight. It isn't that we don't disagree, we do, but we are able to communicate what we are feeling and work through it together most of the time. During this time period, we were fighting a lot. Mostly because of me, and even if it was not because I me, I would still turn it into a fight. I cherish my marriage and when I said "Until death do us part," I meant it.  But there were times when I found myself thinking things contrary to that commitment. Steve saw what was going on. He suggested marriage counseling and when I finally agreed to it, he jumped on it and got something scheduled right away.

As the counselor worked through things with us, I began to realize that my issues weren't really with Steve. My trust had been broken and so it affected how I saw the other relationships in my life. I felt like I had pretty good discernment when it came to people, so when I had been deceived by this pastor and who he was, I began to doubt my own self. I had trusted that pastor and followed him unreservedly and I was wrong about him.  Maybe I really wasn't so good at knowing who people were and my trust of others began to fall apart. Because Steve was the closest to me, he was the one I doubted the most.

I married a good man.  I know this and I feel so very blessed. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for him.  Even in my darkest time, even in the time where I was doubting and attacking him, he stood by me.  He didn't criticize my doubt of him, instead he did everything he could to assure me that I really could trust him. If I questioned where he was or what he was doing, instead of berating me for asking, he would FaceTime me so I could see exactly what he was doing. As time went on, I realized that my distrust of him was not valid and my relationship with him was restored to a place even better than before.

During the time with the marriage counselor,  both he and Steve encouraged me to go see another counselor on my own.  There were other issues in my past that I had never dealt with and they both thought it would be helpful for me to finally address them. Although Steve had tried to get me to go before, I wasn't ready.  Now I was.

He had made the call to a lady counselor to get an appointment and on this day, she had called me back.

I told her what I initially needed to see her about and then added on the fact that I had just found my birth mother and would need help with that also. She said that she could help me and that she was an adoptee too.

Just at the right time. Just what I needed. Thank you, Lord.

The Story of My Life: The Beginning of Understanding

Let me begin to create a little bit of a timeline for you, so as this story progresses you can kind of put it all into perspective.

July 22, 2014: My dad gave me the paper with the non-identifying information from the adoption agency. By the end of that day, all of the following had happened.  I had found a post from Jessie Harvey saying she was looking for a birth sibling. I tried to find a way to contact her, but I couldn't, so instead I contacted her brother Brent's wife, Alyssa. Alyssa forwarded my message to Jessie and Jessie contacted me.  I responded to her message but did not hear anything from her until the following morning.

July 23, 2014: I heard back from Jessie and confirmed that she was my half sibling, as the information from the adoption agency that my dad had given me matched her mom's description.  I texted all day with Jessie and brothers, Brad and Brent.

That same evening,  I was at a VBS meeting when Jessie texted me to let me know she had talked with her mom.  I responded to let her know I was at a meeting at church and would get back with her as soon as I was finished.

By 9:15, I was home on the couch texting with Jessie. She told me how she had talked with her mom, and her mom was very mad with her at first. Carol had told her that it was supposed to have been a closed adoption and it was a horrible time in her life that she didn't want brought back up. Jessie then went on to explain to me that Carol herself had been adopted and had grown up in a very, very strict household. When she got pregnant with me, her parents thought she was a disgrace.  Carol's mom even made her a huge coat to hide her stomach so no one would know she was pregnant and bring dishonor to her family. Carol was sent away to the girls home to have me and was told she didn't have a choice. She thought when she signed the adoption papers that it was over with.

So when Jessie told her that I had contacted her, Carol was stunned.  She had told Jessie about me when Jessie was 12, although she never really shared any details about me or about what had happened.  A year or so before this time, Jessie had been able to get enough information out of her mom to be able to put that post up on 'Find Your Family'.  Carol didn't remember giving Jessie that bit of information, so she was sure that this was all a mix up or that Jessie was lying.  Ron, Jessie's dad,  told Carol that the minute Jessie began asking questions about me, he knew that it would only be a matter of time before we found each other.

Jessie's dad told her that Carol was terrified. She didn't want me to think that I wasn't wanted by her and she didn't want the others to think that she didn't care.

I told Jessie to please tell Carol that she did not need to feel bad or have any regret. I only felt that the decision that she had made for me was the most loving and kind thing that she could have done. I told her to let Carol know that I had wonderful, godly parents who loved me as their own and they were so thankful to her for having given them the gift of me. I also asked her to assure Carol that she could take as much time as she needed.

Jessie then told me how her mom had feelings of resentment about being adopted.  She said that 25 years ago that Carol had been contacted by her own birth mom but Carol had wanted nothing to do with her.  I assured Jessie that I had no feelings of resentment toward her mom, only gratitude.

By now it was 9:45 pm and Jessie said that her mom had started asking questions about me.  At 10:00, Carol sent me a Facebook message. It said, "I am excited that you are happy and I know in my heart I did the right thing. We will keep in touch."

I responded and said, "You absolutely did the right thing. So many times over the years I have longed for the opportunity to thank you for giving me life and allowing me the chance to grow up in a Christian home with parents who love God and me. So thank you so very much for that gift. I know what a huge sacrifice that was for you to give me up and I appreciate you doing that for me. I have never had any hard feelings towards you, only gratitude and thankfulness.  Take your time as I am sure there is a lot you are working through. Whenever the time comes that you want to talk, I am here."

There were a few more texts and pictures exchanged and at the same time I was still texting with Jessie. I even had the chance to talk with Jessie on the phone for the first time that night. It was all so very surreal. It was crazy how comfortable it felt to talk with her. Very natural. Kind of like what I had always imagined it would be like to talk with a sister on the phone.

I went to bed with so many thoughts running crazy in my head. I had a difficult time sleeping, as you can probably imagine. One thing I remember very distinctly though, I was so very thankful that God had allowed me the opportunity to thank my birth mother for giving me life.  It was something I had thought about many times growing up. God knew that desire and granted it. And even now when I think back on that blessing, I often wonder, "Why me?" So many adoptees never get that chance, so why was it given to me?  I don't know.  My only explanation is that I know every good and perfect gift comes from above. So I have to again publicly acknowledge and praise the one who gave that gift to me.....God.

The Story of My Life: Are You My Family?

So if you have been keeping up with the story,  you will remember that last time I had searched for a way to get in touch with Jessie, who I believed was possibly my half sister.  I could not find any way that I could contact her, so instead I send a message to Alyssa who was married to Jessie's brother Brent. Facebook would not directly send my message because we were not connected in any way, so I paid a dollar for the message to go to her inbox and not to her "other mailbox".  I had been explaining all of the happenings of the day to my niece Flora who was living with us at the time. I was just telling her about the "other mailbox" when I opened mine to find a message there.   It was from Jessie.

It has been sent at 9:10 pm.  Here is what it said....



My hands were shaking at this point.  It was now 45 minutes after she had sent that message.  I truly felt that God had planned for me to explain all of that to Flora so I would have a reason to check my other mailbox. If she hadn't come home when she did and we hadn't gone through all of that, I do not know when I would have found that message.

I quickly replied and sent it off at 9:58pm.  My response said: Yes. I found your post today on Find My Family that said you were looking for a sibling.  I was born in Valparaiso, Indiana on August 25, 1973. I was adopted when I was 6 days old through a closed adoption. The courts accidentally sent my parents the wrong papers so they have known all along that my birth mother's name was Carol Close. It wasn't until a couple of years or so ago that they shared that information with me.

When I went to bed that night my stomach was in knots. Jessie had not seen the message yet, so I figured I would probably hear something back in the morning.  When I got up, I saw that she had seen the message but she had not replied.  I waited for an hour or so but still nothing.  I started feeling sick in my stomach.  Then I started second guessing what I had found when I was searching yesterday.  Maybe the Jessie Harvey I found was not the Jessie Harvey that put up that post. Had I just freaked someone out by telling them that I thought their mom was my birthmother.

I tried to figure out how to back myself out of this mess, making a mental note that if I ever did this again I needed to proceed with a bit more caution.

I messaged Jessie again. This time I said, "Sorry. I realized this morning that I probably should have verified with you that you had indeed put that post before sharing all that information with you. I hope I didn't tell you something that you didn't already know. Here is a link to the post I was referring to" and I shared the link with her.


About a half an hour later she responded.  Here is what she said....



I responded, "Absolutely," and gave her my number.

I was relieved. It seemed that I had found the right Jessie Harvey after all.

I had an appointment at the eye doctor that morning. It was the same eye doctor that at one point told me that he thought I had Native American blood in me.  He has someone in his family that was adopted and for some reason this particular morning he got on the topic of searching for birth families. It was all I could do to sit there quietly and not say anything about what was going on in my life, that right at that very moment I was waiting for my possible half sister to text me so we could talk for the first time ever.

When my appointment was over, I checked my phone. Nothing yet.  I left the doctor's office and met Steve for lunch. We sat outside the restaurant talking about everything that had happened in the last 24 hours when the first text came.

"Hi. It's Jessie.  SO crazy!! I want to know everything about you. How old are you?  Where do you live? Do you have kids?

But I do have to tell you first, mom doesn't know that you contacted me. She's always been kind of leary about talking about you... she was adopted herself. I'm going to call her in a couple of minutes."

By this time I had decided to be a bit more cautious with my assumptions so I wanted to make sure that Jessie really was my half-sister. I told her I would tell her everything that I knew about her mom to see if it matched what she knew about her.  I pulled the piece of paper out of my purse that my dad had given me just the day before and started texting her the information on that page.  She thought it was crazy that I knew those details about her mom and confirmed that it was indeed her.

We texted back and forth excitedly, sharing pictures and asking each other all kinds of questions. It was such a surreal moment.  Jessie tried to call her mom in the middle of it all, but she didn't answer. She said she would try to call her later on. And we continued to text...

I told Steve at this point that we needed to talk with my parents.  So we called them and arranged for them to come over to my house that afternoon.

I got Facebook friend requests from the boys and I began messaging with them too.  So much happening at one time. So many different emotions.

My parents came over that afternoon. I was so nervous to tell them. When I did,  I think they were a little bit blown away by how quick all of this had happened.  After all, my dad had just given me the paper with the non-identifying information YESTERDAY and within 24 hours I had found and been talking with my three half-siblings.  They were very supportive and were excited to listen to everything I had to tell them and look at the pictures of everyone.  We were all amazed at the similarities between me and my siblings. My dad said he had always thought that I would find my family. They also expressed again how thankful they were for Carol and for the gift that she had given them.  When they left, they told me to be sure to keep them informed of everything that was going on and I assured them that I would.

That evening I had to go to a VBS meeting at church.  Honestly, I did not pay attention AT ALL to the things they were talking about.  All I could think about was the fact that I had found blood family. Family that shared DNA with me.  And then, as if I wasn't distracted enough, I got this text from Jessie.....

"I talked to my mom.... It was pretty emotional. Are you ready for some looooonnnnnnggggg texts? Lol"

The Story of My Life: The "Other" Mailbox

If you missed the last installment, here is the quick version. Josiah had gone to a friend's house for the afternoon. While he was gone,  I searched for Carol Close on the internet and my find led me to a website called 'Find My Family'.  There I found a post by Jessie Harvey who was looking for a birth sibling whose birth mom was Carol Close. If this Carol was my birth mom, then further search showed that I had four siblings, Brad, Brent, Jessie and Jenna.  If you want to read the whole post to catch up, you can find it here.

On the way to pick up Josiah from his playdate, I called Steve. He had received my text and was looking at Carol's profile. I filled him in quickly on what had happened as far as my searching had gone that afternoon.  He said he would continue working on it while I was getting Josiah.

I arrived at the house where Josiah was playing. I went in and ended up talking with his friend's mom for a while.  It was so hard to stay focused on the conversation with all of the other events of the day swirling around in my head.  I wanted so badly to spill everything that was going on, but somehow managed to keep it all in.  In the middle of our conversation, I got a text from Steve. The first chance I had, I glanced down at my phone.

It was only two words.  "Jenna died."

What??!?!?  How??!?!?

His response, "Suicide. In 2007."

My heart broke.  I had already lost one sibling to suicide and if these people truly were my blood family, now that number was two.  Only this time, it would be a sibling I would have never had the chance to meet.

The weight of what had happened to Jenna weighed me down while the excitement about what could possibly be with Carol and Jessie and the others left me overwhelmed.   I was emotional while at the same time feeling half numb. I kept trying to talk sense to myself to keep my heart from getting too overly involved. "Lorena, you still don't know for sure if this is them. You need to stay calm until you do."

I still came home and mourned as I read post after post from different people on her obituary, many from Carol, a mother broken by the loss of her daughter. So much so, that she was still posting in the memory book, the last entry just a couple of months before that day.  And I became even more certain that these people were my birth family as I saw so much of myself in the pictures of them, especially the ones of Jenna.  Looking at pictures of her in her childhood years was like looking at pictures of myself.

That evening when Steve got home from work, we talked about what I ought to do.  We decided that it would probably be best to try to contact Jessie as she was the one that had posted on the adoption registry that she was looking for me. I looked everywhere I could on the internet to find a way to get in contact Jessie.  There was no way to be found.  So after some more discussion, we decided that I should send a note to Alyssa, Brent's wife, and tell her that I was trying to get in touch with Jessie.  I had seen pictures of them together so I knew that they were friends as well as sisters-in-law.

So that is what I did. I sent her a quick note on Facebook. I asked her to pass my information along to Jessie and let her know I was trying to get in touch with her in regards to a post that she had put on the internet the previous October.  When I went to send the message, Facebook informed me that because she and I did not have any contacts in common, my message would not go directly to her inbox. It asked me if I would like to pay a dollar so that it would.  Otherwise, it said it would go to her "other" mailbox. I had never heard of this "other" mailbox and being unsure of exactly how it worked,  I decided to take my chances and see if she would get my message without paying the dollar.

Steve had a church softball game that evening.  I probably checked my phone hundreds of times during the couple of hours we were at the park.  I was so anxious.  When we got home, I saw that Alyssa had posted something on her wall on Facebook, so I knew she had been on and not seen my message.  I paid the dollar to send the message and within an hour, she had responded saying she would forward my message to Jessie.

As I sat on the bed with Steve processing the day,  Flora came home.  She is our niece that was living with us at the time.  She listened as I excitedly shared what had happened that day, in awe of all that had transpired.  I explained to her everything from the paper I received from my dad that morning, to finding Carol's picture, to having to pay the dollar to keep my message to Alyssa from going to the "other" mailbox on Facebook.  When I got to the part about the "other" mailbox, she asked what I was talking about.  And since I had not even known about the "other" mailbox myself until that day, I was happy to pull up my profile and show her how to find it.  When I clicked on the tab to take me to the other mailbox,  I saw it and then let out a scream.

There was a message in there.....from Jessie Harvey.