Saturday, July 26th, rolled around. My first counseling appointment was still two and a half weeks away. Realizing that I needed some advice and better understanding regarding what was going on with Carol and these words of endearment that I was so frustrated by, I turned to a trusty friend for help - Google. I read article after article on adoption reunions hoping to find something to help me figure out what was happening.I began to understand that as the adoptee, while I was excited and looking for answers about myself, it was common in this type of situation for the birth mother to be taken back to the place where the child was given up and to feel the emotions of that time. I also read that it was recommended that the person who was doing the searching be the one to help talk through and set up the expectations of the relationship. Since Carol was not the one that had been looking, she was caught off guard by my return and not really ready to handle thinking through those decisions. Since I had been looking for a while, I had already had a little bit of time to process what was happening. I began reading about ways to do approach the topic of our relationship. Be patient. Don't ask too many hard questions right off the bat and take things slow. Be willing to be flexible. Talk about what your expectations are.
I began to think about what I truly was wanting from this reunion. What expectations did I have? I really hoped to be able to have a friendship with Carol. I hoped that we would be able to be involved in each others lives. I hoped to be able to learn about where I came from and maybe even who my birth father was. I also began to think through what I didn't want. I didn't want to be "needed" by someone, to have to fill any void in their life, just as I didn't want to "need" anyone in return. And I knew that I didn't want another mother. I already had one, and no one else could take her place in my life.
I knew I would need to be patient and wait for a good time to be able to address these things with Carol. I had to be careful about how I worded it. I didn't want her to somehow feel rejected by me when I shared what my feelings were about the situation. I also hoped that she would be able to express to me what she was hoping for through this reunion and that somehow we would be able to come to an understanding.
Saturday was quiet on the texting front with her. I had decided that I needed to slow things down a little bit and not be in such a hurry to respond when she texted. Carol texted me first that day, around 6 pm.
Here is what she said:
"Hello. I want you to know that if you ever have any questions about me and about you, please know that you can ask me anytime and I will tell you. I have waited for this time to come to find you and meet you and I am not going to let anyone mess it up. Hope you had a good day. We planted flowers and rose bushes and put down mulch....yes I am sore.....again I will answer questions if you have any....later."
I felt like I had been handed an opportunity to start explaining what I was hoping for out of the relationship. So I responded and said:
"Obviously I do have lots of questions. I want to know about you, about your family, about my dad and what happened with that whole situation. I understand why you had to give me up and I have no problems with that. I feel like that was the best thing you ever could have done for me. I am so thankful and grateful. As for the other part, I want to be sensitive to you and your feelings. I want you to be able to share when you are ready. I am sure that was probably a very difficult time for you and I don't want to force you to drudge up the hurt in your past."
Her response to me caught me a bit off guard. Besides the fact that she began with "I love you," she went on venting to me about Jessie asking her questions about what had happened with me. She ended with, "I am so embarrassed by the way she is acting towards me and you. I will talk with you later."
I couldn't understand why this woman that I hardly knew was venting to me, someone she hardly knew, about her child. It didn't seem right to me. And I don't know if you caught this or not, but I did and my antenna went up. "....the way she is acting towards me and you...."
Granted, I don't know what was going on behind the scenes with her and Jessie and I didn't need to know. I could totally understand why Jessie would be asking questions of her and it didn't surprise me that she would be. I could totally understand why Carol would be upset by the questioning. The decision to give me up for adoption was one that affected not just Carol and me, but all of the other siblings as well, especially once she had told them about me about 16 years previous to this time. I felt like everyone was deserving of answers. What I didn't understand was why she was suggesting that Jessie was somehow acting in an embarrassing way towards me. My interaction with Jessie and the other siblings up until this time had been nothing but excitement and fun. We made lots of silly jokes that would have all of us laughing so hard. We talked excitedly of the reunion we were going to have in about three weeks, as Steve and I talked about it and decided to drive to Florida where all of the siblings live so I could meet them and their families. Outside of Brad jokingly suggesting that there was a possibility that he had a birth father different than who she said because of the fact that he is so much taller than all of us and he is the only one of us with green eyes, no one had said anything negative to me about Carol at all. In fact, I was truly enjoying all of my interactions with my half siblings.
I wrote her back and told her that because of my reading on adoption reunions, I knew that it was not uncommon for everyone involved to experience a huge variety of emotions. I told her that I did not think anyone was wrong for asking questions just like I did not think she was wrong for not wanting to answer them. It was only normal since I had been on the minds of the other members of the family for years and they themselves wondered what had happened.
She responded and told me not to worry about it. That there were many questions that we all had and everyone was excited and wanted to meet me. But then she said....."let's just keep the questions between you and me."
Secrets. I despise them. Now I am not saying that there can't be things about you that you keep to yourself and don't tell a lot of people. I can respect everyone's privacy. The kind of secrets I am talking about are the ones where a situation affects a multitude of people, yet steps are taken to keep the truth hidden except from a few. My past was full of hurt because of secrets and I had just come out of the hurtful church situation which was full of hidden truth. I didn't want to be responsible for hiding truth from others. And even though I knew that it meant that I may not find things out as quickly as I hoped or even at all, my response to her was....
"I am not in the least bit worried. I have enjoyed chatting with you and all the siblings. Part of this whole process is going to be lots of questioning and discovery about who I am and for me it will be about learning who all of you are. I am not one to hold back and when people ask me questions, I tend to answer them directly. If there are things you prefer they not know, it might be best not to tell me."
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