I continued to share with my parents everything that had happened. When I told them that I had finally been in contact with Carol, I remember my dad tearing up and asking me to please thank her for her gift of me to them. He talked about her sacrifice and was very emotional as he did so. At some point along the way, Steve asked my mom how she was feeling about it all and whether or not she was feeling threatened by any of this. I will never forget her response. She said, "If Lorena and I are not attached after 40 years, we never will be." That answer comforted me. She knew we were attached and there was no threat. They were my parents and always would be. I was not looking to replace them and they knew it. Their overwhelming support for me during this process is something I will always be grateful for. There were already so many emotions involved and if I had to tiptoe around them as this was all happening to make sure I didn't upset them, it would have made my life even more complicated than it was already going to be.
And I just have to say again how perfect God's timing is. He is always there and He always knows exactly what we need and when we need it. Many times I get so busy that I forget to take the time to see what He has done and to thank him for it. But then He throws something out there that is undeniably Him, and it gives me no option to do anything but stop and say thanks.
On July 24th, the day after I found my family and had been talking with them for the very first time, I got a phone call. The phone call was from Jane. She was calling to see when I wanted to set up my first counseling appointment.
It was the timing of it all that just makes me sit back in amazement. You see, if you read anything at all on the best way to handle adoption reunions, the one thing that is almost always listed is to get a counselor to walk through the process with you. I hadn't known until the day before that I was going to find my family and that I was going to need someone to help me navigate through the emotions of it all, but God did. And he had set in place some events in my life to get me to the point where Jane would come into my life at exactly the right time.
About a year and a half before all of this, we had gone through a very difficult experience with the pastor of our old church. He was at best a manipulator and what we went through left many people damaged and hurt, including me. My heart was crushed, my faith was at an all time low and I was left wondering where God was in all of this. I felt misunderstood, lied about, and most of all rejected. I was caught in a downward spiral that left me feeling depressed and angry much of the time. It affected my relationships with my friends, my children, and most of all my husband. Steve and I hardly ever fight. It isn't that we don't disagree, we do, but we are able to communicate what we are feeling and work through it together most of the time. During this time period, we were fighting a lot. Mostly because of me, and even if it was not because I me, I would still turn it into a fight. I cherish my marriage and when I said "Until death do us part," I meant it. But there were times when I found myself thinking things contrary to that commitment. Steve saw what was going on. He suggested marriage counseling and when I finally agreed to it, he jumped on it and got something scheduled right away.
As the counselor worked through things with us, I began to realize that my issues weren't really with Steve. My trust had been broken and so it affected how I saw the other relationships in my life. I felt like I had pretty good discernment when it came to people, so when I had been deceived by this pastor and who he was, I began to doubt my own self. I had trusted that pastor and followed him unreservedly and I was wrong about him. Maybe I really wasn't so good at knowing who people were and my trust of others began to fall apart. Because Steve was the closest to me, he was the one I doubted the most.
I married a good man. I know this and I feel so very blessed. Not a day goes by that I don't thank God for him. Even in my darkest time, even in the time where I was doubting and attacking him, he stood by me. He didn't criticize my doubt of him, instead he did everything he could to assure me that I really could trust him. If I questioned where he was or what he was doing, instead of berating me for asking, he would FaceTime me so I could see exactly what he was doing. As time went on, I realized that my distrust of him was not valid and my relationship with him was restored to a place even better than before.
During the time with the marriage counselor, both he and Steve encouraged me to go see another counselor on my own. There were other issues in my past that I had never dealt with and they both thought it would be helpful for me to finally address them. Although Steve had tried to get me to go before, I wasn't ready. Now I was. He had made the call to a lady counselor to get an appointment and on this day, she had called me back.
I told her what I initially needed to see her about and then added on the fact that I had just found my birth mother and would need help with that also. She said that she could help me and that she was an adoptee too.
Just at the right time. Just what I needed. Thank you, Lord.
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