Let's fast forward just a little over a week to Thursday, August 14th. It was the day that we were leaving to head to Florida for me to meet my half-siblings the following night. The last few days leading up to our trip had been busy with packing and getting all the final details together. I had finally had my first counseling appointment on Wednesday, the 13th. I loved my counselor, Jane, and was so thankful for how she had already helped settle some of my emotions. I had not been in much contact with Carol over that last week. We had a brief conversation on the 6th when I asked her if she knew any information about her own birth mother. Carol said her name was Joyce but that she didn't know where she lived or anything else about her. "That was too long ago," she said. So that ended that conversation. The next time she messaged was a week later and she wondered when we were all meeting in Florida. I told her we were leaving the following day and would be meeting everyone on Friday night. She said that was all she needed to know, so I left it at that. I was too excited about the upcoming weekend to let myself be drawn into a super emotional roller coaster ride of a conversation.
We headed out driving through South Carolina and into Georgia. There were stopped at The Smoking Pig and had an awesome BBQ lunch. We continued on and despite the pleas of my siblings to just keep driving and get to Cape Coral a day early, we stopped in Ocala, Florida where we had Mexican food for supper and spent the night at at hotel.
Friday morning, we continued our journey to Cape Coral, the city where all three of my siblings reside. We enjoyed reading everyone's guesses as to where we were headed on Facebook. Most people thought Disney or a cruise. Steve tried to convince them that we were driving to Cuba to strike up a deal with Fidel Castro. I don't think anyone believed him.
We arrived in the early afternoon. Steve had booked a hotel that overlooked the Gulf of Mexico. We enjoyed the view and tried to catch a quick nap before getting ready for the reunion in the evening. When the time came to change my clothes and get ready, I felt the knot in my stomach get tighter and tighter. The thoughts were racing around in my head. What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? What if we don't get along? I knew there was always the possibility this could end in a huge disappointment, but I was praying it wouldn't be so.
We had decided to meet in an upstairs lobby of the hotel. It would give us a bit of privacy and the chance to talk a little before heading out to a restaurant to eat. Brent and his wife, Alyssa, and their boys, Blake and Brock, were staying in the same hotel with us for the weekend, so they were there and ready to go. Jessie and her boyfriend, Frank, arrived with her two kids, Kaleigh and Franke. We were just waiting on Brad. He was late. Apparently, he is always late. (lol!) We finally got the text that he along with his wife Melissa and kids, Kobe, Jaelyn and Bella, were finally there. As we came out of our room and were walking along the outside walkway to head toward the elevator to the lobby, I looked over the edge. Brad and Melissa and the kids were down below headed inside the hotel. We yelled down to them and waved. They waved back. And my heart smiled. I just had a feeling it was going to be a good weekend after all.
When we walked into the lobby, there immediately was a flurry of tears, hugs, and pictures. There was so much to take in and my head was spinning with excitement. For the first time in my life, outside of the two children that I had given birth to, I was face to face with people who shared DNA with me. It was a very surreal experience. During the entire weekend, I would find myself staring at different ones of them thinking, "Hmm....something about you looks very familiar to me." Then I would realize that it was because I was seeing various pieces of myself reflected in them. Brad and I ordered the same meal at every restaurant. Brent and I both used the word "fridgerator." Jessie and I both use the same facial expressions. I know those are just little things, but to me they were huge. It was crazy that even though I had been raised in a completely different family far away from them, how many things about us were similar.
We ate out several times, went swimming in the hotel pool, went to the beach, and went to church. The time there was crammed full of hanging out with them. There was lots of talking about life, about growing up and most importantly about Carol. It was during this time I found out that I was not the only one that struggled to have a relationship with her. Her own children found it difficult at times. It was not uncommon for her to keep secrets, lie about things, or find ways to pit one person against another in the family. It was all beginning to make more sense to me. Her issues weren't just about me, they were just her issues. And when I realized that, a bit more of the model of her that I had built up in my mind over the years crumbled and fell away. She was becoming less and less of what I had dreamed her to be.
By the time Sunday came, I was very sad to leave. I had a pit in my stomach from the time I woke up. It had been such a wonderful experience and I was so very excited to be connected to my siblings after all this time. We stopped at Cape Canaveral on the way home and visited the Space Center with the kids. I tried to stay focused on what we were doing, but that day and for a long time after, I would just find myself staring off into space thinking about everything that had happened during that month.
One of my siblings told me while we were in Florida that I was the lucky one because I had been adopted and didn't have to be raised by Carol. I struggled with that. It was almost like I had survivors guilt. Even though a part of me wished that I had been able to grow up with my siblings, I now understood that God had protected me and given me wonderful parents to raise me, and as hard as I try to understand that at times, I just can't. But I am thankful.
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