The last conversation with Carol had taken place on Sunday, August 3rd. I didn't hear from her at all on Monday, but on Tuesday, August 5th she texted me. She said, "I am not really mad at you. I am just tired of being the conversation of something that was so long ago and it has a simple explanation. I was pregnant, had a baby girl, gave her up for adoption and now you have a wonderful family that loves you plus your own children. Live life to the fullest....I was not supposed to be in this picture."
I asked her if she was going to be home that afternoon and if so, if I could call her. She said yes, so I told her I would talk to her later that day.
The kids were gone somewhere, most likely at my parents, when I called. I was nervous and there were a massive amount of butterflies in my stomach. What was going to be that outcome of this conversation? I really don't really know what I was hoping would happen. Maybe that by talking on the phone and having an actual conversation the outcome would be positive and we might come to a better understanding of each other. Maybe it was that we would be able to communicate what we wanted out of this journey. I wasn't really sure. I had been struggling up to this point in my relationship with her. What Carol seemed to be through text was so different from the image that I had built up in my mind throughout all the prior years of my life of who my birth mom was and what she would be like.
She answered the phone. Her voice was not the soft, warm voice that I dreamed of all of those years. It was a bit more on the harsh side and her talking very direct, much like the conversations that we shared through text. We talked for maybe an hour and a half. I let her know up front that I wasn't calling to try to find out information on my birth father. I just wanted a chance to get to know her better and I didn't want her to worry that I was somehow going to pop questions about him on her later on in the conversation. She still brought him up anyway even after I had said that to her. I didn't pursue the conversation and she really didn't give me any information. All she was was that she didn't know what his name was. Big surprise.
I tried to use the time to get to know her a bit better. I found it difficult to get anything out of her that was on much of a personal level. She would share things about what she liked to do, for example, wear cowboy boots, plant flowers or eat at McDonalds, but would not really share information about who she was as a person. She never gave any real indication about what she was feeling or what made her tick. She did reminisce a little about her childhood and she told me about the cloak her parents made her wear while she was pregnant to hide her baby bump from the public eye. I encouraged her to think about whether she truly wanted a relationship with me or not. I told her I wasn't going to force anything on her, but that whatever determination was made about the future would be her decision. I also asked her about the upcoming trip I was going to make to Florida. In less than two weeks, I would be headed to Cape Coral to meet my siblings for the first time. We were all excited and I knew that there would be pictures posted on Facebook and Instagram to celebrate the big reunion. I asked Carol what she thought about all of that and if she was ready to handle it. She said she would just deal with it when it came. When I asked her what she would say if someone asked her who I was, she said she would tell them I was a friend of the family.
I had to go get the kids, so I ended the conversation. I was more confused afterwards than I had been before. At this point, I was beginning to question my desire to have a relationship with her. Part of me wanted to and part of me didn't. My conversations with Carol whether through text or on the phone just seemed to end with such emotional upheaval. I had a deep down desire to get to know her and who she was. I really was so grateful to her for what she had done for me. But on the other hand, I wasn't sure I was permanently ready for the ups and downs the contact with her seemed to bring and most of all, I wasn't sure what those emotional swings would do to my family.
Later on that day in a conversation with my sister, Jessie, I told her all about the phone conversation with her mom. I relayed to her that Carol said she did not know my birth father's name. She and I were both baffled at the fact that the adoption agency had information about my birth father from what his degree he had in college, to his height and weight, down to the fact that he had a growth removed from one of his armpits. It did not seem possible that a person, like Carol, could give the adoption agency such intimate and detailed information about my birth father and then say to me that she did not know what his name was. It did not make any sense. It made me so frustrated and really just increased my anger towards her whenever I thought about it.
I also found out in that conversation with Jessie that she and her mom had not spoken in over a week. So this whole time that Carol had been venting to me about Jessie trying to get information from her, they hadn't even been talking with each other.
I decided to turn my attention away from Carol and focus on the siblings. After all, I was going to visit them in less than two weeks and spend time with them in person. I didn't know if I was ever going to meet Carol and to be honest, at this point in time, I wasn't sure if I cared whether I ever did or not.
I cannot wait to tell you all about the reunion....such a wonderful experience. Until next time. :)
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