That last post took place on August 5th, just one day shy of it being two weeks since I had found my half siblings and birth mom. I called her that afternoon and we had a fairly nice conversation, but I still found that I was having a hard time communicating with her. Because of my frustrations, I had decided to focus my efforts on my half-siblings for the time being. You can read all about that here.
Let's fast forward just a little over a week to Thursday, August 14th. It was the day that we were leaving to head to Florida for me to meet my half-siblings the following night. The last few days leading up to our trip had been busy with packing and getting all the final details together. I had finally had my first counseling appointment on Wednesday, the 13th. I loved my counselor, Jane, and was so thankful for how she had already helped settle some of my emotions. I had not been in much contact with Carol over that last week. We had a brief conversation on the 6th when I asked her if she knew any information about her own birth mother. Carol said her name was Joyce but that she didn't know where she lived or anything else about her. "That was too long ago," she said. So that ended that conversation. The next time she messaged was a week later and she wondered when we were all meeting in Florida. I told her we were leaving the following day and would be meeting everyone on Friday night. She said that was all she needed to know, so I left it at that. I was too excited about the upcoming weekend to let myself be drawn into a super emotional roller coaster ride of a conversation.
We headed out driving through South Carolina and into Georgia. There were stopped at The Smoking Pig and had an awesome BBQ lunch. We continued on and despite the pleas of my siblings to just keep driving and get to Cape Coral a day early, we stopped in Ocala, Florida where we had Mexican food for supper and spent the night at at hotel.
Friday morning, we continued our journey to Cape Coral, the city where all three of my siblings reside. We enjoyed reading everyone's guesses as to where we were headed on Facebook. Most people thought Disney or a cruise. Steve tried to convince them that we were driving to Cuba to strike up a deal with Fidel Castro. I don't think anyone believed him.
We arrived in the early afternoon. Steve had booked a hotel that overlooked the Gulf of Mexico. We enjoyed the view and tried to catch a quick nap before getting ready for the reunion in the evening. When the time came to change my clothes and get ready, I felt the knot in my stomach get tighter and tighter. The thoughts were racing around in my head. What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? What if we don't get along? I knew there was always the possibility this could end in a huge disappointment, but I was praying it wouldn't be so.
We had decided to meet in an upstairs lobby of the hotel. It would give us a bit of privacy and the chance to talk a little before heading out to a restaurant to eat. Brent and his wife, Alyssa, and their boys, Blake and Brock, were staying in the same hotel with us for the weekend, so they were there and ready to go. Jessie and her boyfriend, Frank, arrived with her two kids, Kaleigh and Franke. We were just waiting on Brad. He was late. Apparently, he is always late. (lol!) We finally got the text that he along with his wife Melissa and kids, Kobe, Jaelyn and Bella, were finally there. As we came out of our room and were walking along the outside walkway to head toward the elevator to the lobby, I looked over the edge. Brad and Melissa and the kids were down below headed inside the hotel. We yelled down to them and waved. They waved back. And my heart smiled. I just had a feeling it was going to be a good weekend after all.
When we walked into the lobby, there immediately was a flurry of tears, hugs, and pictures. There was so much to take in and my head was spinning with excitement. For the first time in my life, outside of the two children that I had given birth to, I was face to face with people who shared DNA with me. It was a very surreal experience. During the entire weekend, I would find myself staring at different ones of them thinking, "Hmm....something about you looks very familiar to me." Then I would realize that it was because I was seeing various pieces of myself reflected in them. Brad and I ordered the same meal at every restaurant. Brent and I both used the word "fridgerator." Jessie and I both use the same facial expressions. I know those are just little things, but to me they were huge. It was crazy that even though I had been raised in a completely different family far away from them, how many things about us were similar.
We ate out several times, went swimming in the hotel pool, went to the beach, and went to church. The time there was crammed full of hanging out with them. There was lots of talking about life, about growing up and most importantly about Carol. It was during this time I found out that I was not the only one that struggled to have a relationship with her. Her own children found it difficult at times. It was not uncommon for her to keep secrets, lie about things, or find ways to pit one person against another in the family. It was all beginning to make more sense to me. Her issues weren't just about me, they were just her issues. And when I realized that, a bit more of the model of her that I had built up in my mind over the years crumbled and fell away. She was becoming less and less of what I had dreamed her to be.
By the time Sunday came, I was very sad to leave. I had a pit in my stomach from the time I woke up. It had been such a wonderful experience and I was so very excited to be connected to my siblings after all this time. We stopped at Cape Canaveral on the way home and visited the Space Center with the kids. I tried to stay focused on what we were doing, but that day and for a long time after, I would just find myself staring off into space thinking about everything that had happened during that month.
One of my siblings told me while we were in Florida that I was the lucky one because I had been adopted and didn't have to be raised by Carol. I struggled with that. It was almost like I had survivors guilt. Even though a part of me wished that I had been able to grow up with my siblings, I now understood that God had protected me and given me wonderful parents to raise me, and as hard as I try to understand that at times, I just can't. But I am thankful.
I had gone to the beach for a few days with friends from church. While there, I had decided to start trying to do my own research to find my birth father. My birth mother had not been too cooperative where he was concerned, so I figured the best way was just to work on it all myself. I, of course, found nothing. When I returned from the beach, I had a conversation with Carol that indicated she really was pretty much done with all of this. You can read about that conversation here. I decided after that declaration, I was not going to contact her unless she contacted me first. I didn't have to wait too long.
The last conversation with Carol had taken place on Sunday, August 3rd. I didn't hear from her at all on Monday, but on Tuesday, August 5th she texted me. She said, "I am not really mad at you. I am just tired of being the conversation of something that was so long ago and it has a simple explanation. I was pregnant, had a baby girl, gave her up for adoption and now you have a wonderful family that loves you plus your own children. Live life to the fullest....I was not supposed to be in this picture."
I asked her if she was going to be home that afternoon and if so, if I could call her. She said yes, so I told her I would talk to her later that day.
The kids were gone somewhere, most likely at my parents, when I called. I was nervous and there were a massive amount of butterflies in my stomach. What was going to be that outcome of this conversation? I really don't really know what I was hoping would happen. Maybe that by talking on the phone and having an actual conversation the outcome would be positive and we might come to a better understanding of each other. Maybe it was that we would be able to communicate what we wanted out of this journey. I wasn't really sure. I had been struggling up to this point in my relationship with her. What Carol seemed to be through text was so different from the image that I had built up in my mind throughout all the prior years of my life of who my birth mom was and what she would be like.
She answered the phone. Her voice was not the soft, warm voice that I dreamed of all of those years. It was a bit more on the harsh side and her talking very direct, much like the conversations that we shared through text. We talked for maybe an hour and a half. I let her know up front that I wasn't calling to try to find out information on my birth father. I just wanted a chance to get to know her better and I didn't want her to worry that I was somehow going to pop questions about him on her later on in the conversation. She still brought him up anyway even after I had said that to her. I didn't pursue the conversation and she really didn't give me any information. All she was was that she didn't know what his name was. Big surprise.
I tried to use the time to get to know her a bit better. I found it difficult to get anything out of her that was on much of a personal level. She would share things about what she liked to do, for example, wear cowboy boots, plant flowers or eat at McDonalds, but would not really share information about who she was as a person. She never gave any real indication about what she was feeling or what made her tick. She did reminisce a little about her childhood and she told me about the cloak her parents made her wear while she was pregnant to hide her baby bump from the public eye. I encouraged her to think about whether she truly wanted a relationship with me or not. I told her I wasn't going to force anything on her, but that whatever determination was made about the future would be her decision. I also asked her about the upcoming trip I was going to make to Florida. In less than two weeks, I would be headed to Cape Coral to meet my siblings for the first time. We were all excited and I knew that there would be pictures posted on Facebook and Instagram to celebrate the big reunion. I asked Carol what she thought about all of that and if she was ready to handle it. She said she would just deal with it when it came. When I asked her what she would say if someone asked her who I was, she said she would tell them I was a friend of the family.
I had to go get the kids, so I ended the conversation. I was more confused afterwards than I had been before. At this point, I was beginning to question my desire to have a relationship with her. Part of me wanted to and part of me didn't. My conversations with Carol whether through text or on the phone just seemed to end with such emotional upheaval. I had a deep down desire to get to know her and who she was. I really was so grateful to her for what she had done for me. But on the other hand, I wasn't sure I was permanently ready for the ups and downs the contact with her seemed to bring and most of all, I wasn't sure what those emotional swings would do to my family.
Later on that day in a conversation with my sister, Jessie, I told her all about the phone conversation with her mom. I relayed to her that Carol said she did not know my birth father's name. She and I were both baffled at the fact that the adoption agency had information about my birth father from what his degree he had in college, to his height and weight, down to the fact that he had a growth removed from one of his armpits. It did not seem possible that a person, like Carol, could give the adoption agency such intimate and detailed information about my birth father and then say to me that she did not know what his name was. It did not make any sense. It made me so frustrated and really just increased my anger towards her whenever I thought about it.
I also found out in that conversation with Jessie that she and her mom had not spoken in over a week. So this whole time that Carol had been venting to me about Jessie trying to get information from her, they hadn't even been talking with each other.
I decided to turn my attention away from Carol and focus on the siblings. After all, I was going to visit them in less than two weeks and spend time with them in person. I didn't know if I was ever going to meet Carol and to be honest, at this point in time, I wasn't sure if I cared whether I ever did or not.
So focus on the siblings I did. Plans were made. Hotels were booked. Lots of exciting conversations were taking place. My Facebook friends could tell from my posts that something big was going on in my life but they didn't know what it was. I decided to string them along until the big reveal when I met my siblings face to face in Florida. (I am sure none of you are surprised by that fact. lol!)
I cannot wait to tell you all about the reunion....such a wonderful experience. Until next time. :)
It is now Wednesday, July 30th, 2014. It had been exactly one week since I had found my birth siblings and began contact with my birth mother. It had been an emotional ride as I had been having such a wonderful time getting to know my siblings through texts and messages but also struggling with the various different reactions I was having as a result of the things my birth mother was saying to me. When she told me that she had been drugged and I was the result of that, I wasn't sure what to think. Then the adoption agency told me that there was no mention of a trauma anywhere in my file. I wasn't sure what to believe from her anymore. You can read more about that here.
I packed up that Wednesday morning and headed to the beach for a few days with some ladies from church. We hadn't been attending this church very long, so I was excited to get to know a few more women and make some friends. I rode in the car with my friend, Shannon, and excitedly told her everything that had been going on in the last week. Steve had asked her before I left to keep an eye on me and to make sure that I did not allow myself to get drawn into anything too emotional with Carol while I was at the beach. I needed the time to relax and get away, and he wanted to make sure that I would do just that. Shannon assured him that she would take good care of me.
We got to the beach and sadly, it rained most of the weekend, so there wasn't too much time spend in the sun and sand. We savored the few moments we did get out there and then spent a lot of time inside, just sitting around and talking. I had brought along the book, "The Girls Who Went Away" by Ann Fessler and had the chance to check it out during this time. The lady from the adoption agency had suggested I read it. It is stories of women from the 50's through the 70's who gave their children up for adoption. It talked about what they went through at home, with their peers and at the mother's homes that many of them were sent to. It tells the stories that many parents told about their daughters to be saved from the embarrassment of having a pregnant child. It talked about birth mothers who searched for their children and vice versa along with the struggles that came with finding them and the reunions.
At different times during the book, I felt my heart breaking for Carol. I could not imagine what it must have been like to have to give up a child that you had carried to full term. I asked Carol if I could ask her some questions that the book had brought up in my mind. She said to send them to her and she would answer if she could. I asked her a lot and she didn't answer even half of the questions, which was okay with me. I didn't really expect her to. I was just hoping that she would see that I was trying to make an effort to understand where she was coming from. What she did answer, though, gave me a better glimpse into what it must have been like for her during that time. I knew that she had been sent away to stay at an unwed mother's home. She did say that the people at the home were very nice to her and treated her well. I was glad to hear that since some of the stories in the book told of very terrible experiences in some of those places. Her parents never came to visit her during the time that she was there. She told me that no one was there with her when she gave birth to me. Maybe the lady from the home where she had been staying, but that was it. She was never even allowed to hold me. And by the time my parents adopted me when I was six days old, she was back in Ohio. It all made me feel very sad for her.
I had decided already to take a break from trying to get information from her about how I had come to be and who my birth father was. I figured at this point that she wouldn't tell me the truth even if she did know. In my heart, I had a feeling that I would know one day, so I set out to try to solve the mystery on my own. I felt like maybe if I could figure it out, once she realized that I knew, she could be free from the bondage of her own secrets. Because it was raining so much and I had some time on my hands, I got to searching on the internet. I used whatever information I knew from the adoption agency along with anything that Carol had told me already (which really wasn't much) to see if I could learn anything knew. I enlisted the help of some of my newly acquainted friends and we all went to work trying to solve the mystery. I tried to look up family businesses in the Findlay, Ohio, are since I knew that was where Carol was from and that my birth father had been working in his dad's business at the time I was conceived. I wondered if he could possibly have been the son of the man that her mom had worked for at the milling company. I would search pictures of families to see if there was any resemblance with them, always checking their eye color and whether they wore glasses to see if they would match the description of my birth father. I googled every name or place that she had ever mentioned to try to see if was somehow related.
Of course, I figured out nothing. How could I? Did you know there can be an awful lot of family owned businesses in a town? And how would I ever know if I had the right one? I would have to figure out a better way to get this search going.
I headed home, relaxed and thankful for a fun weekend with my new friends. It had rained a lot, but we still had a great time full of laughs, shopping, and McDoubles and sweet tea.
When I got home, I contacted Carol to ask her if she had been involved in the process of picking my parents. I had been told that at some point she thought they were doctors, so I was curious to see if she had been allowed to give any input when they were making the decision of who would be my parents. She was not very agreeable to my questions and said some things that let me know that. She said that she did not know anything about me after I was adopted. That she was not allowed to know anything about me or my parents and that what they did was not a matter of interest to her. I apologized for upsetting her, and told her I would not going to ask any more, but she continued. She wondered what information my parents had about her and I told her that it was just the little bit of information that was given to them by the adoption agency and if I had been asking her questions of things I already knew just to see if she would give me the same answer. I could tell she was getting really upset, so I tried again to apologize to her. I told her I was sorry and that I never wanted to hurt her or interrupt her life. She vented a little bit and then said, "I am done and thru with this whole ordeal and ending conversations reference to all this. I am a human being with feeling and now I have to go on living with the fact that what was to be private is now known due to one person thinking she had to know. I AM DONE AND OVER ALL OF THIS..."
All I could say was, "I understand."
I decided for the time being that I was not going to contact her any more unless she contacted me first. I was not looking to force myself upon her or make her have a relationship with me. That would be something that would have to be a mutual agreement between both of us. And it sure seemed at the moment that it was not something she was interested in at all.
