The Story of My Life: Conversations

In the last blog, I told you how Elliot had told me to check my email on Thursday morning at 9:30. I checked and he had sent me an email telling me to give him a call.  I did. And he ended up telling me my story.  You can read all about that here.

I talked with Elliott on that Thursday morning and on other Thursday mornings for several weeks following.  I would listen to him tell stories of his growing up years, learning things about him and his parents who were also my biological grandparents. 

He told me stories about my half-siblings, Ava and Joseph.  He just knew my sister would be thrilled to know of my existence.  Yet, because of Hazel's opposition to my sudden appearance, I made a promise to him that I would keep everything quiet unless a time came that his wife would be comfortable with the situation. I assured him that I would not try to approach his family and tell them of my existence unless he said it was okay. It wasn't an ideal situation, but I was just thankful for the opportunity to get to know him  and learn things that gave me a better understanding of myself.

I did alert Elliott to the fact that there was a first cousin on 23andme whose DNA matched mine.  I knew that this cousin was related to me through Elliott's side of the family.   That cousin was anonymous and had never made any contact with me.  But if he ever did, there would be no possible way to keep things a secret.  My name and picture were already public on that site. Elliott said he understood and if that happened, we would just take it as it came.

Elliott was a much more mild-mannered person than Carol and it was easy to carry on a conversation with him.  He accepted responsibility for his past mistakes and said, "It is what it is, and we can only move forward from here."  He slowly seemed to accept the idea that I truly was his offspring.  We would talk of Carol and the whole adoption situation.  I told him how I had found her and shared stories of my interactions with her.  Whenever I found myself getting angry and frustrated with her, Elliott would calm me down and tell me that I shouldn't be angry with her. He believed she really did not know who my father was and he believed that to be the reason why she wouldn't tell me anything.  At times, I couldn't believe what I was hearing coming from his mouth. Here is the one person who truly had the right to be angry with her, and he was speaking gently and kindly, offering her grace.  

Elliott had known Carol for about a year.  This time spanned from his initial meeting with her, through their "relationship" and the months following until she went away to have me in Indiana. He even had contact with her a few times in the first couple of months after I was born.  He told me how he had felt sorry for her because she always seemed "lost."  He told me about how she talked with him about giving me away for adoption and how she cried when speaking of me. This was so different than the "I never thought of you again" conversation that Carol had with me on the phone.  I began to see another side of her that she had not made known to me, and although I was still angry and upset towards her because of some of her actions during my contact with her,  I began to soften a little bit and view her from another perspective. I began to understand why it was that Carol did not want me or the others to know the truth of her circumstances. It was exactly as she had feared, that she would end up looking like a horrible person. Instead of facing the truth head on and running to healing through forgiveness and grace, she hid behind her fear of condemnation and shut the truth up inside of her. 

My parents asked me what it was like to talk with Elliott on the phone.  I could only describe it as being similar to talking with an old friend. Even though I really didn't know Elliott, there was a strange familiarity that I found comforting.  We were strangers, but we were related, and I felt a connection that is hard for me to put into words.

As summer approached,  our phone conversations pretty much ended as Hazel was no longer going to Bible study. We kept in contact occasionally through Facebook messenger.  

In May, Elliott told me that he was having some medical tests run.  The situation turned out to be more serious than he had initially thought. But because it was caught and corrected, it did not turn into a life threatening situation.  

But this got me thinking though.....what if he did endure some type of medical crisis or even worse, what if he passed away?  What would I do then? Would I make myself known to my half siblings or any other members of his family? And if not, would be I be able to live without ever having the opportunity to meet or get to know them?

The Story of My Life: My Story

In the last post,  I shared with you the struggle that was warring within me after I found out that Elliott's wife did not want him to be talking to me.  When I ended, I told you that Elliott told me not to contact him until I had heard from him again. You can read all about that here.

Thursday morning arrived.  I took Zoe over to my parents earlier than normal so I could be home at 9:30 to check my email.  Elliott was good on his promise. There was an email in my inbox waiting for me. I was not exactly sure what to expect.  All kind of thoughts had been running through my head during the week. I had prepared myself to accept the fact that he was going to tell me not to contact him anymore.  Instead, when I opened the email, he told me he had lost my number and asked me to call him.

So I did.

I dialed the number he gave me and as the phone rang, there was a queasy feeling in my stomach.  A man answered, and I could quickly tell from the tone of his voice that he was a bit nervous. I asked him about how he was feeling, and he said it was all a bit strange. I agreed with him and we shared a bit of a timid laugh.

He told me that his wife did not want him talking to me, but he did not think that was fair. He had told her this and never promised her that he would not talk to me.  He felt it only right that I know my story, so to not be in her face about it, he waited to talk to me until she was gone to her Bible study that she went to weekly.  

He again told me that he was not certain that he was my father. I assured him I understood that, and that I was willing to do whatever he needed to help him be certain, but there was no rush.  

He then began to tell me a bit about himself. How he grew up and about his college days.  He told me about his time in the service.

And then he told me about how he met my birth mother.

It wasn't the romance novel relationship that I had often wondered about. It also wasn't the affair of my birth mom with a married boss that had also crossed my mind. And it definitely was not a rape. 

Rather, it was a story of indiscretion as my birth mom had been brought into his home as a friend of the girl his roommate was seeing.  Carol had made herself readily available to Elliott that day and he willingly had taken her up on the opportunity.  This incident turned into a "convenient understanding," you might say, as Carol and her friend quickly convinced the boys that it would be so much easier if they all just cohabitated.  This continued for a few weeks, until one night Carol went to a work party and didn't come home afterwards. She had not stayed in her apartment in town, which was her original plan, as she phoned the next morning asking her friend to bring her the key to the apartment that she had left at the house. When Elliott realized what was going on, he immediately kicked her out. He had hoped that they would become serious about their relationship, but when this happened, he realized that was not the case with her.

Not long afterwards, Carol came to Elliott saying that she was pregnant and that he was the one responsible for this.  He felt set up and trapped. She had told him she was on birth control.  It just didn't feel right to him and since he knew she had been "friendly" with more than one person, he just couldn't believe the child was his, even though he knew it was a possibility.   

He consulted with a lawyer who advised him to give her some of the money she was asking for to take care of the adoption and have her sign an agreement that said he would not be held responsible for the child.  

And for forty plus years he had believed that child didn't belong to him.... until he received my letter.  

As we both were there on the phone, talking and trying to work through our own emotions of this moment, he said to me, "I may not understand why all this happened, but this one thing I know, God created you to be a gift to your parents." 

And with that, tears filled my eyes.  Because with that one statement, I knew that he understood, I was not an accident, I was planned. 

There was a hole in my heart that was healed that day. A hole that for so long I never realized existed. But God knew, and He being the healer that He is, brought it to be. All praise be to Him.